There are few things that equal the sudden loss of a four-footed family member.  This recently happened to our household.

One night when I couldn’t sleep, I was up reading at about 2.30 AM.  With a blanket on my lap, both Tommy and Squeeze, two of our house cats were on my lap.   For an hour Tommy rubbed my chin with his face and purred loudly.  He and Squeeze are best friends, usually curled up together in one bed. 

I went back to my bed an hour later.  I got up at 7.45 AM once the dogs woke and barked to go out.  To my surprise Tommy had used his cat doors to go outside and lie on the deck in the sun… but he didn’t stir as I opened the door. I knew immediately he wasn’t going to either.  I just couldn’t believe it. “No, no, no” I said to myself, hoping it wasn’t real. I picked him up, still warm from the sunshine, and cried.  I had just lost my best kitty friend without any warning.  His eyes were glazed over with death, but I could swear he purred for me one last time as I hugged him.  Logically, I know it was just air escaping from his lungs, but I choose to believe that even in death, he whispered goodbye to me.

As I laid him on the rug inside the door Squeeze (who is paraplegic) shuffled over to sniff him, then looked at me with a question in his eyes.  “Where’s my friend?” he seemed to ask, and then turned away.  He knew immediately his friend was no longer here.  The shell of a body remained, but no soul.

Do pets go through the stages of grief like people?  I think so.  Look at the examples of dogs who lie on their owners graves. Coping with loss, any loss, is difficult.  Especially when the loss is sudden with no warning.  We all go through grief, in some manner and form.

5 Stages of grief

1. Denial – the “I can’t believe this happened, it’s not real” part.  Often this is a quick stage, because it’s hard to accept reality, but reality is always there.
2. Anger – “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?”  Pain is redirected as anger toward the loss.
3. Bargaining – trying to hold out hope that something you may do can change the outcome
4. Depression – an appropriate response to pain and grief, often lasting the longest of the stages.
5. Acceptance – learning to live with the loss

Not everyone, or every pet, experiences all stages, and often not in the same order.  Anger could last for months for some, but I think depression is usually the hardest part for most people and pets.  I went through 1, 2, 3, quickly or not at all, straight to 4.  I felt sad for at least a week.  I missed Tommy jumping up in my lap as soon as I sat down.  I missed his wet face rubbing my chin.  I missed his loud purr – I still do 3 weeks after his deeath.  But having had many pets throughout my life, I also accept that none of them are going to live a life as long as mine (though my 22-year-old Ragdoll cat may test that theory).  I know as soon as they enter my life, I will also go through the pain of losing them in the future.

Many people swear they will never have another pet after the pain of losing one.  For some, this may be true.  Many people, however, get through the grief and let another pet enter their life. A time comes when it just seems right, and a furry heart needs you.

I would be extremely lost never having a dog or cat. My home would be empty. Yes, it’s easier to get away, to travel, so stay out late without a pet at home, dependent on you.  No paying for boarding, or a pet sitter, veterinary fees, or asking a friend to care for them. 

I’d rather say, “Sorry, it’s time for us to go.  We need to let the dogs out.”

Tommy’s Story

Tommy showed up at our house over 10 years ago, a feral spitting cat that wouldn’t come within 15 feet of us.  For several years, we put food out, and gave him (and another friend that he brought home at the time) a box, with blankets and a heating pad to keep them warm through winter’s cold.  Through a state program, I trapped and neutered him. When we moved to New York, Tommy came with us, secured in his box that we locked him into.  He was kept inside all winter in a dog run, slowly getting used to us.  In the spring when I let him outside, he got used to the new area, and showed up to eat.  We provided a cat door into the laundry room, which he learned to use in one day.  Little by little he got used to us and the house cats and began sneaking up the steps to the living room, turning to run back to the laundry room if we startled him.

One day he made it upstairs to the living area, and after that he quickly learned to be a house cat.  We didn’t touch him much, or try to pick him up, but he liked our company.  And then, a sudden about change, and Tommy needed my love, to became a super friendly house cat.  He made friends with Squeeze – they both needed a buddy. And he became my constant lap cat companion, waiting on the arm of my chair for me to sit down so he could climb onto me to wash my face. Tommy seldom talked, but his purr could fill the room with music.

Coping with Pet Loss

I miss him, but I am happy he was in my life.  I miss Cochise as well; a Ragdoll that slept on my pillow. I miss Rudy, who would come from wherever he was outside when his name was called. I miss all our cats and dogs, as we’ve had many over the years.  Missing Tommy is just the most recent….

As for Squeeze, I think he understood right away his friend was gone.  While he probably didn’t go through the anger and bargaining stages of grief, he does seem sad, curled up alone in the bed he and Tommy shared. He seeks my attention more.  He hasn’t gone out to lie in the sun on the deck the way he did with Tommy.  Squeeze eats more – Tommy is no longer pushing him out of the dish to munch down food.

Hopefully someday we’ll find the perfect new friend for him.

Pets accept death (as well as many other things) much more easily than people do.  It’s part of life after all, and we can’t escape the fact that our pets die. 

Knowing the grief will come someday doesn’t ease the loss or stop the pain. I choose to accept that each pet will die as soon as they enter my life. I choose to accept that I give them all a good home, care for them well, and provide love.  In return, I choose to accept the love and joy that each pet gives me, along with all the memories that make me smile – and to be grateful for each pet that has chosen to have me as part of their life.